Wednesday, April 27, 2011

over it

There are few things as disheartening as scrolling through your facebook news feed and seeing 15,000 negative status updates... so rather than complain there, I'm complaining here! HA! 

This, my friends, is the first McDonald's Diet Coke I have consumed in 26 long weeks. I'm hoping that since we're in the home stretch (third trimester begins Monday!!!) and the little man is mostly developed and just packing on the pounds, a one-day overload of aspartame and caffeine won't cause him to be born with six toes. 
I am married to the most amazing man in the world. He left his office this morning to make my I-must-have-it-now-diet-coke run. He's so wonderful to me. He's going to be a great daddy.
Note the indention on my ankle from the straps of my sandals :(

I've been contemplating the last few days why it is we do this to ourselves...Why can't our sweet children arrive by stork or in a basket with a pretty balloon like in the How the Grinch Stole Christmas movie.
To those of you sweet, innocent girls who have yet to conceive your first child, please be advised that pregnancy is nothing like the books say. Sure they warn you that you'll be hormonal and moody. Do not assume this is like PMS moodiness... it is far, far worse. You will find yourself crying for no reason and completely unable to stop the tears. 
They will warn you that you may develop acne. What they don't say it that it's not just a pimple here and there, it's a full-on 16 year-old boy breakout weekly. And leave your Proactiv under the counter, sister, because it won't even touch it. 
They don't tell you your usually soft, blond hair will turn course and start growing in so dark and fast that you will single-handedly be able to pay your hair girl's mortgage for the next 40 weeks. They tell you you'll swell towards the end... apparently for me "towards the end" is week 26.

I remember reading that you should try to wear your own clothes as long as possible because you will miss them later on. In my eagerness to look as pregnant as possible, and not like I'd just eaten a large lunch, I embraced my maternity jeans and tops and pushed my little belly out as much as I could... my sweet childless friends, you will miss your own clothes. On a warm spring morning you will wistfully brush your hand across those cute seersucker slackers and tailored tops and long to be in something without an elastic waistband... which is even uncomfortable nowadays because you're gaining weight at a rate of 2lbs a week and you can't stop it!

This is the hardest part for me. For years I have been fixated on my weight and image. I meticulously watch what I eat and fret over every calorie. While rationally I know  I am supposed to be gaining weight, watching those pounds add on seemingly daily is very hard on my self-esteem. Each day that elastic waistband feels a little tighter. 

Thankfully, I serve a God who knew this was going to be an issue for me. This morning after being frustrated over my limited wardrobe and swollen hands and feet, I sat down to weep. My sweet little boy began rolling around and kicking me in the ribs. I needed that reminder that that's why I'm doing this. That's why they can't arrive by stork. I'd miss out on those kicks and punches and I wouldn't appreciate the masterpiece that is a woman's body. How amazing that God created something so intricate and beautiful. Now, I didn't jump up ready to take on the world... in fact I continued to cry while I got dressed, but I do have a renewed peace of mind as to why this is going to be worth it. 

I know what a huge blessing this is, I do. I prayed for eight months to be in this position and I truly wouldn't trade carrying this sweet child for anything... but, shew, is it ever hard some days!! Nothing worth having is easy though. So, while I miss sleeping on my tummy, wearing pointy toed pumps, pants without elastic, thin arms, my waist, being cold-natured, heartburn-free days (praise Jesus for Zantac!), a scale that reads a number in the 150's, my hair and skin and wardrobe, I think I can tough this out for 96 more days. :)

 This is a baby born at 26 weeks. As much as I feel ready for him to be here, I needed this to show me that HE is NOT ready to be here yet. What perspective. What's a little inconvenience like 30lbs and swollen feet when you're creating perfection? Right? :)

Fellow moms, how did you cope with swollen feet, heartburn and sleepless nights? And how on earth were you conned into doing this more than once?! :)


Callie Nicole said...

It's so precious to feel all those kicks and movements from the inside! I kind of miss them now that my son is born.

And if it makes you feel any better about the diet pop, my son's pediatrician thought I wa silly when I asked about having diet pop while breastfeeding - she said I could have had it while pregnant if I wanted to and it would be fine, so I probably was avoiding it all those months for nothing! There's just something satisfying about Diet Coke . . .

I just came across your blog, and I've been enjoying reading it! :-)

Staci said...

Allysa, I know that all the moodiness, body changes, aches and pains seem hard right now but you will make it. I always told myself that I could handle anything that was normal, even if normal wasn't fun. That really helped me a lot. And "this to shall pass". Things that seem to be taking forever to get through now will appear to be only a quick blink of the eye when you look back. Enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible. There are so many amazing things that take place when you are carrying your gift from God.