In the past few days, things we have been praying for and seeking God's guidance for have come to fruition. Given, not at all how I thought they would, but nonetheless, He has made Himself abundantly clear.
When the dominoes started to fall last week, I was confused and scared. I could feel God's presence but I had trouble seeing Him through the fog satan had infused in the situation. I use this blog as a way to share Dane's growth and accomplishments, my feelings regarding things I'm studying in God's word and all of the mixed-up, crazy emotions that accompany being a first-time mommy. In a post I wrote last week, and have since deleted, I'm afraid that the raw words I spoke hurt the feelings of someone I care deeply for. I hope you know that is never my intention. I want to be able to use this as a place to share what's on my heart because I know that if I'm feeling it some other momma has to be feeling the same way, and she may need some reassurance that she's not going crazy. After all, that's why I read other mommy blogs. :)
I considered making this blog private in order to continue writing exactly what I wanted to. After contemplation and prayer though, that's not what I'm supposed to do. So, my posts may be a bit more guarded, and I definitely won't post something that I have reservations about, but at this time I feel a leading to continue writing and sharing my experiences as a momma and a Christian (and a Christian momma) with all who read. I was surprised by the number of people who emailed me asking to be included on the list of readers if I went private. You have no idea how encouraging that was! I love each of you, I really do.
In recent months I have been taken back to Joshua 10 numerous times and read and reread his Sun Stand Still prayer to God. Check it out if you haven't read it already. I knew that the God who created the heavens and the earth, who heals our sickness and gives mercy and grace that are new every morning could answer my Sun Stand Still prayer like He did Joshua's. For me, it was having the opportunity to be a full-time stay-at-home momma to our sweet baby boy. I have prayed daily for this, with tears streaming down my face... and a few times on my knees on my bedroom floor or weeping as I washed my hair in the bathtub (wish I was kidding about that one). I had a deep anxiety about going back to work and sending Dane to daycare. It was not because I hate daycares or hated my job. The anxiety I felt was so deep-set that I began to realize it wasn't just a normal anxiety. God had laid something on my heart and He and I had many a conversation about it.
Last week, a new phrase in Joshua 10 jumped off the page to me. It says that as the Israelites are being overwhelmed in the battle, God threw hailstones from heaven that killed more than the soldiers killed with their sword. And that's when it clicked in my mind. I (like I always do, darn it!) was praying and praying for God to make the sun stand still in my situation, but I was the one trying to make the sun stop! I could not win this battle unless God fought for me, not with me, as my side-kick or what not- it was His battle and only He could achieve victory. The next morning I woke up with a peace I hadn't felt in weeks. I even told Tevie about it... and then he told me when he thought I should put in my letter of resignation at work. Ummm, come again? You mean, we're going to do this?! Still, we tried putting all the pieces in place in a timeline that worked for us and our bottomline.
I won't go into specifics, but in the last week God has thrown some HUGE hailstones and rocked my world. I have been humbled and amazed... and this morning as I watch my sweet boy kick and play and smile that gummy smile as he watches his mobile dance above his head, I am in awe of God's goodness and overwhelmed with tears of joy as I praise His name this morning. Yesterday we stepped out on faith, still unsure exactly how things are going to work for us but trusting that God is the creator and sustainer of all and that He will provide exactly what we need when we need it. Today I'm reminded of a song that says, "but the lamp unto my feet only moves when I move." So we moved, and as of October 31, I'll be a full-time stay-at-home mom.
This morning my reading was from Matthew 8. In The Message, Jesus' words to Roman captain who meets him on the road and asks Him to heal his servant are these: "Go. What you believed could happen has happened."
Beautiful words to this momma's heart as we rejoice and celebrate the beauty of the sun standing still in our lives. Please pray with us and for us as we adjust. And bear with me when my writing gets raw and emotional. All I ever want to show is the love of Jesus and how He's working in me.