Tuesday, July 12, 2011

control...or the lack thereof (37weeks)

I had a long chat with a good friend today who playfully said, "You had to know God was going to do something to remind you that you were not the one in control of this situation!" Man, is she right!!! My sweet boy hasn't taken his first breath of air in this big, germy world and I've already made decisions about everything in his first sixty years six months.

I'm a reader by nature, but when it comes to something I'm passionate about I will read everything I can find. I may just be the most well-read woman on pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. Tevie says that I start every sentence with "I read that..." I love being informed... more than that, I love being in control. When I'm educated on a topic, I feel I have the authority to speak up, ask questions or just say no. I wasn't going to walk into that hospital and just let those nurses and doctors make all of the decisions about my baby's first few days of life. I wanted to know why they'll give him eye drops, a vitamin K shot, a Hep B vaccine, a bath and circumcision all in the first 24 hours. And who are they to make that decision for me? I've carried him around for 9 months- shouldn't I, I mean "we" (sorry, Tev! There I go again...) get to call the shots regarding what happens to him after he takes his first breath?

And that's when the Lord laid a c-section in front of me. "This was NOT in my plan, Lord! NOT, NOT, NOT!" I feel like such a failure. This is one thing a woman's body was created to do and thanks to a baby built like a linebacker and a history of bladder complications and surgeries, I can't do what I was meant to do. It just doesn't seem fair. I have cried and cried and cried. I didn't sleep the night after we met with the doctor. Saturday morning, wide-awake and teary-eyed at 5am, I got up, grabbed my bible and curled up on the couch to read. And this is what God opened the pages to:
Proverbs 16: 1, 9 and 33:
We can make our own plans,
      but the Lord gives the right answer.
9 We can make our plans,
      but the Lord determines our steps.
33 We may throw the dice,[a]
      but the Lord determines how they fall.
 I had already walked two miles trying to walk this baby out. I had cried and cried, talked with girlfriends and my parents, read up on c-sections. BUT it was not going to happen to me. This baby was coming out the way I have already planned on, God! 
These verses were a gentle (okay, not so gentle, I kinda felt like he was screaming at me!) reminder that yes, Allysa, you make your plans. In fact, you're pretty good at getting organized and making plans, but you are not The One who sets those plans in motion... even though you think you are. 

If I trust God to give me strength and peace through a natural delivery, why would I not trust Him to hold me and comfort me through a c-section. He created the c-section just as much as he created the birth canal! :) So, while I pray that our doctor, who said I only have a 5% chance of delivering this baby on my own, is shocked when I walk in dilated and ready to have this big boy early, I also pray for God's will to be done. I know that He already knows the exact moment that Dane will take his first breath. 

Isn't it funny that Dane's not even here yet, and I'm already learning my first lesson in letting go and letting God lead me through parenting? I stand utterly astounded sometimes at how well He knows me. How amazing that the God of the universe cares enough to love me, teach me, and save me? He is so Good.  

1 comment:

jennyb said...

Sometimes you just have to listen! It's not easy to hear sometimes, but God will provide you with your answers, your comfort, and everything else that you will need in the labor/delivery process, whatever that process ends up looking like! And whether us type-A control fanatics (sounds better than freaks, right?) like it or not, God is ultimately in control and will put us right back in our places when we think we have it all under control! :)